ugh. just...ugh.

Why is it that some people just can not accept the friendship you know they need? I have extended my hand hundreds of times to this person and I get bitten every time. I'm done. You shouldn't have to chase people. You shouldn't feel the need to explain your intentions to someone. Or wonder why they're being SUCH an asshole. I'm done. I'm not interesting in doing this dance anymore. Quite frankly, I don't care for dancing and my feet hurt. OVER IT.

I'm not sure if it's the rain or what it is, but I feel really down today. Grumpy, even. Just in one of those "fuck it" moods. I left work early and was ok for about 15 minutes and then a certain someone that I share a house with said something about the kitchen and it just set me off. I'm so tired of half-assery. I can't.

One day, this shittastic day will be a distant memory and I will be on the beach with MM in Punta Cana... drinking my cares away and getting a delicious tan.

"And I find it kinda funny... 

I find it kinda sad...

           The dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had..."

"Mad World"
Gary Jules

It amazes me that some people go through life without ever really being loved. I don't mean loved at all. Everyone is loved, by their parents, family, pets... What I mean is, they never know what being completely, passionately loved feels like. Their hearts are lonely. Such a tragic waste, I think, for a perfectly lovable, genuine, and kind human being to never experience that...

...To not know what it's like to look forward to seeing that special someone.

...To not know what it's like to feel the love in someone's kiss.

...To not have someone doing little things for them to brighten their day.

It's heart-breaking.

bushery

"Mind strong, 

Body strong.
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, 

screwed on.
Been screwed up for too long..."

-The Sound of Winter

Bush

birthdays, dreams, and sabbaticals

I wish Fall was as stubborn as winter. Winter just keeps holding on. It's like a crazy ex who won't take the fucking hint and go away.  If Fall were that way, and it was unapologetically cool for what seemed like eons, cool enough for a hoodie, I'd be ok with that. I just don't operate well in frigid cold weather. It vexes me. I don't like a lot of heat either. Or bugs. So fuck Summer, too.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was hanging around people I no longer have or want anything to do with. I have dreams like this semi-often. It's always the same people. I don't know why or what they mean. I have no desire to spend any time with these dreadful people and I'm not going to. I don't even really give them any thought. Why is my sleep, the one time my mind can be at peace, being infiltrated with those vermin? I wish I knew. No, I don't. I'm actually hoping that someday soon they'll be eradicated from the face of the earth. I do know, that if I were to be driving around one day, saw them broke down by the side of the road, I'd keep driving. Even if the temperature was below freezing. Or if they were on fire, I'd sit down and watch while sipping a frosty glass of water. Disdain is not a strong enough word. I do hope they're reading this.

MM and I have been talking a lot more. We kind of stopped for a while. I do consider her my best friend and I can't figure out why we went through that sabbatical. I think we both got caught up with work and other things. Everything is better now! I'm glad. I missed her. We're going to save up for a vacation we're taking in November. We'll be staying in the Dominican Republic for an entire week. All inclusive. I'm ecstatic!!

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She's 67 years young. I'm going to call her when she's off work. She seems to be doing better since she moved into her apartment. She seems happier.

Social Whore.

I know I'm not the only person who gets a kick out of people who act like they're hot shit online, yet live in shitty houses that barely ever get cleaned, never seem to have their kids (who each have a different dad), and are basically the very definition of trash. It amuses me. There has to be a name for such deep delusion. They have 1,000 plus people following them on social media. People they've never met and believe every word they say on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. It's easy to deceive people that don't know you. Sad, but easy. Usually when someone's really active on social media, they're trying to make up for the real life they don't have. I'm not saying having over 1,000 followers is a bad thing. Not at all. The problem is living a fake life to impress these people. Keeping up appearances. If you're sharing your real life just to do it, fine. Making shit up to feel good about yourself? Pathetic. Especially when there are people who know you in real life and know for a fact you're not who you portray online.

I'm not that active online. Not really. I have a house to clean, a full time job, and hobbies that include but aren't limited to gardening, reading, writing, and crafting. I don't have the time or the patience to be on Facebook and Instagram posting shitty bathroom selfies all day. It isn't because I don't like my face. (I love my face, despite the fact that my spineless worm of a father is visible in its features. Luckily, I have enough of my mother's genes to offset it.) It's not because I'm against selfies. Selfies are nice in moderation. I take selfies. But I don't post one or a status bragging or rambling about something idiotic 20 times a day. I have friends in real life that don't need intricately woven stories or selfies to stay interested in me as a person. I don't need attention from strangers to feel validated. I go places. Experience things. I have this blog because I enjoy blogging. I like writing. When I have the time. I like to express myself. I may not get likes or comments. I may not have any followers. I don't care. This is for me. This is where I vent. If it helps someone, great.

I don't know whether to feel sorry for these attention whores or not. They obviously have nothing in real life to keep them busy.

I'm not a hater. There's nothing for me to hate. These people don't have shit. Except social media.

just a tiny update...

I am absolutely terrible at this. Although in a way, it shows that I'm way too busy in real life to sit down at a computer and write about it, even though I'd like to. Running a household and cleaning everything and managing cats is about as crazy as you can imagine...though rewarding. I'm happy. Truly. I'm not sure how people manage to have social lives and be so immersed on social media. It's one or the other. I don't have time for both. I pick real life.

I find it funny how, all my life, I had doubters and people trying to destroy me...and today I stand with everything I've ever dreamed of and stronger than ever. I have more than they wanted me to have and then some.

It's Babe's birthday today. He's 30!!

I'm not far behind. 2 months and 20 days...