Happy Birthday, Grandma

The 28th already... If I'm not mistaken, today is my late grandmother's birthday. She would have been 99 years old. She could be meaner than a junkyard dog, but she had a good heart and she was tough as nails. That woman taught me so much. I regret that I didn't appreciate the time I had with her more. I miss her a lot. Her mind left before her soul did, and her body had let her down years before.  She's free now. She's home.

I ♡ you, Grandma

lexicon.2

When I die,

mix my ashes with ink,

and write 

of how I loved him...

I can't think of a title.

There is no worse pain than a pain in your head...

...ok, there probably is, but I can't think of any right now. I can't think about anything but this throbbing tooth. It's abscessed. My filling came out, and something got in there and now my tooth is pissed. Why do things have to happen to my face? It can't be anything else? I have to have a lump on my FACE??

J and I came to the mutual agreement that we really need to work on our communication and understanding each other. So far so good, though. I mean, we don't really have any issues. Everyone who's known him tells him they see the change in him. He's happy. That's what happens when you have a good woman. Not tooting my own horn or anything... (I totally am.)

lexicon.1

I'm a lone wolf, baby

Last night, I had an actual phone conversation with MM for the first time in...months, probably.  I've missed her. She's my best friend and I don't talk to her nearly as much as I should. She called me out for being distant. It really made me think. She was right. I have been distant. I tend to forget that there are other people who give a shit besides J, and between keeping this house running and work (pretty much just the daily grind in general), I don't give any thought to much else. I get lost. It doesn't mean I don't care. That's always been me, though. There will be times when I get so absorbed in my internal world and MY problems, MY stuff, that I forget that there are people who need me. I forget that there are people who miss me. I can go weeks or months without talking to anyone and be fine. That doesn't mean it's right. People who haven't known me since birth don't realize that I was conditioned as a child to operate this particular way. I was taught to be self sufficient. I really don't NEED anyone. I still love. Just not the way everyone else does. There are a lot of things that I find trivial. For instance, I don't understand the concept of going to a viewing, and looking at the lifeless, embalmed body of someone "just to be there for support for others". I think it's stupid. A funeral is different. I get funerals. There is a purpose to a funeral. So I guess that's what I'm getting at. If I don't see a point in something, I'm not doing it. Just let me be. Honestly.

spin city

So I've been getting dizzy. Not every day, but about once every two weeks since Thanksgiving day, which is when this started. It's always the same: A swimmy, had a few drinks feeling, followed by the spins. I lie down for a while, and when I sit up, I immediately vomit. I lie back down, fall asleep for a bit, and then I'm pretty much good afterwards. Until the next episode, anyway. It's becoming more frequent. I should probably go to the doctor (and I totally would if I didn't hate them SO much). They'll tell you anything to shake that money out of your insurance company. I don't think I'm pregnant... but I'm not 100% sure that I'm not.  I should probably keep track of this shit.

done

It is 15ﹾ outside. I have my coffee, I'm wearing my comfiest pjs, and I'm warm. Stressed out, but happy.

Work is great, albeit a little slow. I like working there a lot, actually. I like the people I work with. The management seems a bit shifty but that's everywhere. I think I'm finally home. **(I said that about my last job but that place was a nightmare. Hopefully I'm right this time.)**

There is no bun in the oven yet, sadly. Still not the right time APPARENTLY, but we're staying positive.

I'm seriously at my limit with bs. I don't get how you can try to make yourself available to people and do so much for them, yet when you stand up for yourself and do what's best for you, you're a horrible person. That's all I'm going to say about it. At this point, I'm just done.

2018