Oh Baby, Where Art Thou?

   We need a baby. We've been trying for some time now and as fun as it is to try (wowza), it's disheartening not seeing a positive result month after month. Everyone says we're trying too hard. Just let it up to God... as if I haven't been doing that exact thing for the last 4 months. It's hard to keep yourself from getting discouraged and wondering if there is something wrong with you. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe we're just not as ready as we think we are. We're so focused on getting pregnant that maybe we're just not looking at the big picture. Are we really ready? REALLY?

   I used to be so damned sure I didn't want kids. I hate the way this world is and I thought I was doing the right thing by not bringing another person into it. Looking back though, I know that I felt that way because I wasn't in the best mindset to really care for a tiny human AND I wasn't with the right person. He's a good man but we were on different wavelengths. J was made for me. I know it. He's going to be a great father someday. Until then, we'll just keep truckin. Truckin and fuckin. 

Time

I wish I had more time to read. I started reading Sarah Blake's "Grange House" about a month ago and I'm still not even halfway through it. It's a good story. I like it. I just can't seem to get it read. I used to read constantly, but that was before... in the good old days of being bored absolutely to death. Things are little different now. I'm usually busy doing something else and I can never quite get my brain to focus on a book. It's always moving. I'm always wondering about something. There are over 50 books in my possession that I haven't read yet. It's ridiculous. I'M ridiculous. I'm ashamed of myself. There are so many things I need to get done and so much that I want to do that it's hard to find balance. The last two days have been nice. We both just kind of floated around the house doing our own thing. He watched sports, and I was writing, or watching stuff on Netflix. It's important for couples to break away and have personal time...otherwise you just get sick of each other and nobody wants that.

Tomorrow is Monday. Weekends are so fleeting.

I could use a nap.

Can I just say that I'm really tired of people in my family not appreciating the shit I do for them? I don't think they realize how easy it is for me to cut them out of my life and act like they never existed. I was never that close to anyone on my mother's side, except for my Granny, and she passed away the summer I turned 18. Come to think of it, I'm not really that close to anyone, except for MM and Babe. I've been accused of being cold. To which I say, that's a direct result of people being shitty and I'm fucking tired of it.

Finally

Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother with this thing. The answer is always, because I need to vent. To someone. Or no one. Either way, I need to get it out.

It's been a beat. 4 months. It's finally cooling off and I'm real happy about it. October has always been my favorite month. Leaves changing colors, hoodies, boots, Halloween... ugh.. it's just what life is all about.

I am still with the love of my life, and we're still growing as a couple. We're still learning about each other. We fight, we make up, and we're stronger for it. I don't know why people have this misconception that perfect couples never fight. (However, if you're fighting constantly, you're probably not with the right person. Just saying.) If you don't fight, there's no learning happening. You're going to piss each other off, especially in the beginning stages, because you don't know everything there is to know about what makes the other person tick. What sets them off. What hurts them. Every day is a process. Sometimes it's easy. Fluid. Other days it is a struggle to not murder them and bury them in an undisclosed location. Reasons I don't kill him are as follows - I don't look nice in orange. I'm pale. It doesn't flatter me. AND, as mad as he makes me sometimes (mostly just his stubbornness), I can't imagine life without him. He drives me crazy and he's an asshole, but I'm a bigger one. He's not as hateful, not as jaded, fed up with people, as I am. He's much more forgiving and understanding. I need that. He's teaching me how to love, and I'm teaching him that sometimes people do not deserve his kindness.

What else...

I left my old job. **He still works there... but he got promoted. He's a supervisor now, and I'm super fuckin proud of him** I just couldn't take it anymore. One particularly shitty morning in August, I decided I was having no more of those people and their bullshit and I said "Fuck it. I'm done." and I left. Justlikethat. It just wasn't the place for me. I'm not going to sit and speak hate because it's not worth it. That chapter of my life is over. It taught me a lot. I fulfilled my purpose there. I met my future husband and I'm grateful but I should have left way before I did. Everything has its time, as they say. My new job is leagues better. I love it. MM has been pestering me to come work with her, and I've considered it BUT that schedule they have set up is no bueno for me. Not gonna work. I'm happy where I am.

Things are shaping up. Slowly. I'm trying to focus more on living today and enjoying what's right in front of me right now. It's easier said than done. I worry about everything. Sometimes it devours me, but I'm getting better.