boom.

“Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for your convenience, not the callers. Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river. Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don’t major in minor things. Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Helen Keller, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no politely and quickly. Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Don’t waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move on. Every person needs to have their moment in the sun, when they raise their arms in victory, knowing that on this day, at this hour, they were at their very best. Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his deathbed, ‘Gee, if I’d only spent more time at the office’. Give people a second chance, but not a third. Judge your success by the degree that you’re enjoying peace, health and love. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life and death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems. Never cut what can be untied. Never overestimate your power to change others. Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Remember that overnight success usually takes about fifteen years. Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do. Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out. Spend less time worrying who’s right, more time deciding what’s right. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get. The importance of winning is not what we get from it, but what we become because of it. When facing a difficult task, act as though it’s impossible to fail.”— Jackson Brown Jr

Mumford & Sons - Believe

the end of the road

The golf season is all but over, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I'll miss it, but, at the same time, I really won't. There is only so much one person can take and I am beyond my threshold. I really hate it. Done does not begin to describe my feelings for that place. Four years is plenty long enough for me. I have the numbers of the people I like and I plan on staying in touch with all of them. However, I won't ever go back there. Ever. I'm going to take a week or two and relax, do some artwork, and then start my next job. I need to decompress.

The Clown Situation

I'm going to take a minute and talk about these damned clowns. It's on everyone's mind. I don't care for clowns, nor have I ever. They're creepy. I don't appreciate the fact that they are in existence, yet, here we are, with a freaking clown epidemic sweeping the lands.

I mean... just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any more fucked up... NOW WE HAVE CLOWNS??

Some people are dressing up as clowns just for the fun of it, while some of them are actually evil. Some have knives, people!! KNIVES! SERIOUSLY. There are clowns actually luring children into the woods for God knows what reason. Most of the time, they just pick a spot and stand there-scaring the bejeezus out of whoever happens across them. I am willing to bet that most of these clowns don't have day jobs and have no real relevance in their daily lives at all. They're definitely not normal. What normal person thinks "Hey, I'm gonna put on a clown suit and frighten people"? That has never once crossed my mind. I've thought up some wild shit in my time but I've never once considered fucking with people on that level.

Some people have real clown phobias. Some people, like myself, just... simply hate them. If I see a clown anywhere during my daily activities, shit is gonna hit the fan. If I am driving, and see a clown, I'll do my very best to get to him and beat him with the 7 iron I keep in my trunk. If I see one outside near my house, BETTER YET in my yard, hand on the Bible, I'm going to need bail money. I don't fuck with clowns. You come near me with that clown shit, just be ready to have your ass handed to you. That's all I'm saying.

sunday mornings

Life has been... interesting. Hectic. Quite frankly, I haven't REALLY been in the mood to post anything. Long story short, I got myself worked into a funk, stayed in it for quite some time, and just recently, worked myself out of it. I'm okay now, and I feel like blogging.

I've noticed that I'm getting into funks more often. I don't know why. I'm not depressed. I think it's just that I get overwhelmed with everything and I need to do absolutely nothing for a while (except housework. That has to be done or I WILL lose my shit). I need to vegetate and be absolutely useless... retreat into my shell, as it were. In my defense, I am a Cancer, and crabs do that.

I've come to the conclusion very early on that I can no longer work at the golf course. To sum it up as perfectly as possible, I'm too old for this shit. I really am. I'm 30 years old now and I feel a pull to move on. I need to go. I love the members. I hate the public. The longer I work there, the more amazed I am at just how simple the male species is. I can't deal with it anymore. I have one month left. I'm bummed out, yet relieved. *So very relieved.*  I have a pretty good idea what I'm going to do next. I just need the stars to line up and help me out.  I'll miss it, but it's not like I can't go visit. In fact, I might even swipe some shifts next year. The one big Greek group will want me to come and mix drinks for them. I'm NOT going to let them down.

I just realized how good it feels to be at home on a Sunday morning, with a cup of coffee, doing absolutely nothing. My cats are tearing the room apart. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. This is one of the reasons I know I need to do something different with my life. I'm missing everything... these small, simple things. Very rarely do I get weekends off. I need weekends. I need quiet Sunday mornings and coffee. I need my art. I need to write...

...I need my family. I never see them anymore. I should go over this morning but damn, I'm exhausted. I don't want to drive today. Especially not over a mountain. ESPECIALLY in fog. Heavy fog, I might add. Nobody seems to know how to drive anymore anyway. Or they do, and just don't give a fuck anymore. Someone just died on that mountain yesterday because they passed someone in a no passing zone on a curve and hit someone else head on. So because of someone's stupidity, another family is dealing with a family member in critical condition. There is no regard for anyone's life. This world is falling apart. That overwhelms me more than anything.

On a lighter note, it's OCTOBER!! Which means it's basically Halloween AND The Walking Dead is coming back. I'm pumped!

I'm done blathering. I'm going to fiddle with the layout a little.

what happened?

I'm going to be 30 years old in 7 days. Where did my life go? I blinked and suddenly I was here.

I truly believe that the occurrences in your life not only shape you into the person you're supposed to be, but also lead you to WHERE you're meant to be.

Every single moment in your life was for a purpose, and when it's all over, and your time on earth is done, you'll know what that purpose was.

ugh. just...ugh.

Why is it that some people just can not accept the friendship you know they need? I have extended my hand hundreds of times to this person and I get bitten every time. I'm done. You shouldn't have to chase people. You shouldn't feel the need to explain your intentions to someone. Or wonder why they're being SUCH an asshole. I'm done. I'm not interesting in doing this dance anymore. Quite frankly, I don't care for dancing and my feet hurt. OVER IT.

I'm not sure if it's the rain or what it is, but I feel really down today. Grumpy, even. Just in one of those "fuck it" moods. I left work early and was ok for about 15 minutes and then a certain someone that I share a house with said something about the kitchen and it just set me off. I'm so tired of half-assery. I can't.

One day, this shittastic day will be a distant memory and I will be on the beach with MM in Punta Cana... drinking my cares away and getting a delicious tan.

"And I find it kinda funny... 

I find it kinda sad...

           The dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had..."

"Mad World"
Gary Jules

It amazes me that some people go through life without ever really being loved. I don't mean loved at all. Everyone is loved, by their parents, family, pets... What I mean is, they never know what being completely, passionately loved feels like. Their hearts are lonely. Such a tragic waste, I think, for a perfectly lovable, genuine, and kind human being to never experience that...

...To not know what it's like to look forward to seeing that special someone.

...To not know what it's like to feel the love in someone's kiss.

...To not have someone doing little things for them to brighten their day.

It's heart-breaking.

bushery

"Mind strong, 

Body strong.
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, 

screwed on.
Been screwed up for too long..."

-The Sound of Winter

Bush

birthdays, dreams, and sabbaticals

I wish Fall was as stubborn as winter. Winter just keeps holding on. It's like a crazy ex who won't take the fucking hint and go away.  If Fall were that way, and it was unapologetically cool for what seemed like eons, cool enough for a hoodie, I'd be ok with that. I just don't operate well in frigid cold weather. It vexes me. I don't like a lot of heat either. Or bugs. So fuck Summer, too.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was hanging around people I no longer have or want anything to do with. I have dreams like this semi-often. It's always the same people. I don't know why or what they mean. I have no desire to spend any time with these dreadful people and I'm not going to. I don't even really give them any thought. Why is my sleep, the one time my mind can be at peace, being infiltrated with those vermin? I wish I knew. No, I don't. I'm actually hoping that someday soon they'll be eradicated from the face of the earth. I do know, that if I were to be driving around one day, saw them broke down by the side of the road, I'd keep driving. Even if the temperature was below freezing. Or if they were on fire, I'd sit down and watch while sipping a frosty glass of water. Disdain is not a strong enough word. I do hope they're reading this.

MM and I have been talking a lot more. We kind of stopped for a while. I do consider her my best friend and I can't figure out why we went through that sabbatical. I think we both got caught up with work and other things. Everything is better now! I'm glad. I missed her. We're going to save up for a vacation we're taking in November. We'll be staying in the Dominican Republic for an entire week. All inclusive. I'm ecstatic!!

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She's 67 years young. I'm going to call her when she's off work. She seems to be doing better since she moved into her apartment. She seems happier.

Social Whore.

I know I'm not the only person who gets a kick out of people who act like they're hot shit online, yet live in shitty houses that barely ever get cleaned, never seem to have their kids (who each have a different dad), and are basically the very definition of trash. It amuses me. There has to be a name for such deep delusion. They have 1,000 plus people following them on social media. People they've never met and believe every word they say on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. It's easy to deceive people that don't know you. Sad, but easy. Usually when someone's really active on social media, they're trying to make up for the real life they don't have. I'm not saying having over 1,000 followers is a bad thing. Not at all. The problem is living a fake life to impress these people. Keeping up appearances. If you're sharing your real life just to do it, fine. Making shit up to feel good about yourself? Pathetic. Especially when there are people who know you in real life and know for a fact you're not who you portray online.

I'm not that active online. Not really. I have a house to clean, a full time job, and hobbies that include but aren't limited to gardening, reading, writing, and crafting. I don't have the time or the patience to be on Facebook and Instagram posting shitty bathroom selfies all day. It isn't because I don't like my face. (I love my face, despite the fact that my spineless worm of a father is visible in its features. Luckily, I have enough of my mother's genes to offset it.) It's not because I'm against selfies. Selfies are nice in moderation. I take selfies. But I don't post one or a status bragging or rambling about something idiotic 20 times a day. I have friends in real life that don't need intricately woven stories or selfies to stay interested in me as a person. I don't need attention from strangers to feel validated. I go places. Experience things. I have this blog because I enjoy blogging. I like writing. When I have the time. I like to express myself. I may not get likes or comments. I may not have any followers. I don't care. This is for me. This is where I vent. If it helps someone, great.

I don't know whether to feel sorry for these attention whores or not. They obviously have nothing in real life to keep them busy.

I'm not a hater. There's nothing for me to hate. These people don't have shit. Except social media.

just a tiny update...

I am absolutely terrible at this. Although in a way, it shows that I'm way too busy in real life to sit down at a computer and write about it, even though I'd like to. Running a household and cleaning everything and managing cats is about as crazy as you can imagine...though rewarding. I'm happy. Truly. I'm not sure how people manage to have social lives and be so immersed on social media. It's one or the other. I don't have time for both. I pick real life.

I find it funny how, all my life, I had doubters and people trying to destroy me...and today I stand with everything I've ever dreamed of and stronger than ever. I have more than they wanted me to have and then some.

It's Babe's birthday today. He's 30!!

I'm not far behind. 2 months and 20 days...