Oh Baby, Where Art Thou?

   We need a baby. We've been trying for some time now and as fun as it is to try (wowza), it's disheartening not seeing a positive result month after month. Everyone says we're trying too hard. Just let it up to God... as if I haven't been doing that exact thing for the last 4 months. It's hard to keep yourself from getting discouraged and wondering if there is something wrong with you. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe we're just not as ready as we think we are. We're so focused on getting pregnant that maybe we're just not looking at the big picture. Are we really ready? REALLY?

   I used to be so damned sure I didn't want kids. I hate the way this world is and I thought I was doing the right thing by not bringing another person into it. Looking back though, I know that I felt that way because I wasn't in the best mindset to really care for a tiny human AND I wasn't with the right person. He's a good man but we were on different wavelengths. J was made for me. I know it. He's going to be a great father someday. Until then, we'll just keep truckin. Truckin and fuckin. 

Time

I wish I had more time to read. I started reading Sarah Blake's "Grange House" about a month ago and I'm still not even halfway through it. It's a good story. I like it. I just can't seem to get it read. I used to read constantly, but that was before... in the good old days of being bored absolutely to death. Things are little different now. I'm usually busy doing something else and I can never quite get my brain to focus on a book. It's always moving. I'm always wondering about something. There are over 50 books in my possession that I haven't read yet. It's ridiculous. I'M ridiculous. I'm ashamed of myself. There are so many things I need to get done and so much that I want to do that it's hard to find balance. The last two days have been nice. We both just kind of floated around the house doing our own thing. He watched sports, and I was writing, or watching stuff on Netflix. It's important for couples to break away and have personal time...otherwise you just get sick of each other and nobody wants that.

Tomorrow is Monday. Weekends are so fleeting.

I could use a nap.

Can I just say that I'm really tired of people in my family not appreciating the shit I do for them? I don't think they realize how easy it is for me to cut them out of my life and act like they never existed. I was never that close to anyone on my mother's side, except for my Granny, and she passed away the summer I turned 18. Come to think of it, I'm not really that close to anyone, except for MM and Babe. I've been accused of being cold. To which I say, that's a direct result of people being shitty and I'm fucking tired of it.

Finally

Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother with this thing. The answer is always, because I need to vent. To someone. Or no one. Either way, I need to get it out.

It's been a beat. 4 months. It's finally cooling off and I'm real happy about it. October has always been my favorite month. Leaves changing colors, hoodies, boots, Halloween... ugh.. it's just what life is all about.

I am still with the love of my life, and we're still growing as a couple. We're still learning about each other. We fight, we make up, and we're stronger for it. I don't know why people have this misconception that perfect couples never fight. (However, if you're fighting constantly, you're probably not with the right person. Just saying.) If you don't fight, there's no learning happening. You're going to piss each other off, especially in the beginning stages, because you don't know everything there is to know about what makes the other person tick. What sets them off. What hurts them. Every day is a process. Sometimes it's easy. Fluid. Other days it is a struggle to not murder them and bury them in an undisclosed location. Reasons I don't kill him are as follows - I don't look nice in orange. I'm pale. It doesn't flatter me. AND, as mad as he makes me sometimes (mostly just his stubbornness), I can't imagine life without him. He drives me crazy and he's an asshole, but I'm a bigger one. He's not as hateful, not as jaded, fed up with people, as I am. He's much more forgiving and understanding. I need that. He's teaching me how to love, and I'm teaching him that sometimes people do not deserve his kindness.

What else...

I left my old job. **He still works there... but he got promoted. He's a supervisor now, and I'm super fuckin proud of him** I just couldn't take it anymore. One particularly shitty morning in August, I decided I was having no more of those people and their bullshit and I said "Fuck it. I'm done." and I left. Justlikethat. It just wasn't the place for me. I'm not going to sit and speak hate because it's not worth it. That chapter of my life is over. It taught me a lot. I fulfilled my purpose there. I met my future husband and I'm grateful but I should have left way before I did. Everything has its time, as they say. My new job is leagues better. I love it. MM has been pestering me to come work with her, and I've considered it BUT that schedule they have set up is no bueno for me. Not gonna work. I'm happy where I am.

Things are shaping up. Slowly. I'm trying to focus more on living today and enjoying what's right in front of me right now. It's easier said than done. I worry about everything. Sometimes it devours me, but I'm getting better.

life can fuck off for a day

Holy shit, it's June.

And hot.

And the deck needs painted.

Do you ever get into a funk and all you want is just to be left the FUCK alone? That's where I am. No one has done anything to me. I feel fine (other than my angina, but at this point that doesn't even count anymore). I'm just overwhelmed and I need some time to decompress. No running anywhere, no talking on the phone, no outside world. All I want to deal with right now is a book. I called off work today. Probably not the smartest thing to do but I don't feel all that great and I may snap if I don't get some quality me time. I cannot stress how crucial it is.

fairy tales

my nail polish is drying

I want to rearrange my office. I think I will after I post this. I need to wait for my nails to dry completely, though. I never do and then they get fucked up. Always pick the worst time to paint them but that's beside the point.

Tomorrow is Babe's birthday. He's turning 30. I'll be 31 in July. I never thought I'd date someone younger than I am, but life has a funny way of having you do things you say you won't do. It's working out pretty well, though. He's more of a man than most men older than he is. He was definitely a curve ball but it was just what I needed. I'm in love. That area of my life is golden. No worries.

Work is hell. I mean I like it. It irritates the shit out of me but I'm staying. I found my home I think. He works there, too. So I mean... why not stay, right?

I'm blathering.

Look. I'm trying to keep myself occupied while my nails dry so I don't go completely batshit, ok? He's out with his brother at the racetrack. I'm at home enjoying a quiet night. I needed one. He asked me if I wanted to go with but I declined, insisting that he spend time with his brother. They need it. I see him every day. I live with him and we have plans together tomorrow. It's NBD. I'm an awesome girlfriend and a HUGE upgrade from the last one and he'll tell you that. 😉

Nails are still tacky...

MM and her boyfriend recently went through some bullshit. Completely his fault. They're ok now I guess. I think she's being way lenient and I would have dumped his shit in the middle of the road on a rainy day and said sayonara, but I'm a little colder than she is. Less tolerant. I've lived more.

I don't even know

It is ridiculous how bad I am at this. It's been a beat.

I recently made a HUGE change in my life, and when I say HUGE, I mean I picked up and plopped myself into another reality. At the end of February, I ended my relationship of almost 7 years and just left. Not without a lot of thought. Why? Because 7 years had gone by and that spark just wasn't there anymore. No marriage and no babies either. I was ok with not having any of that for the longest time. I wasn't ready. Now I crave it. I'm 30 years old and my biological clock has been ticking louder and louder. I can't ignore it anymore. May I add that the emotional damage from the relationship before him had healed and I am not the backwards, broken thing that I was when I met him. Aside from all that, he's a great guy. We just weren't on the same page anymore. I do love him and he'll always have a place in my heart. He healed me in a lot of ways and was for the longest time my best friend. However, I need more than just a friend. I know I broke his heart, and I tried to explain that this was the best thing for both of us. Staying with someone that you aren't in love with is unfair to both people. He's ok now, I think. He's dating someone and he seems happy, but you know what they say about appearances being deceiving.

I'm with someone new, as well, and I'm completely certain that he was put on this earth specifically for me. He's amazing. Seriously. SO sweet. Driven. Hard-working. Hilarious. He makes me laugh more than anyone. We talk about everything and nothing for hours. We joke around. We're best friends. Literally twin souls. We just meld together so well in every way. It's effortless. **Devilishly handsome and cut like a diamond, to boot. AND THE SEX!! UUUGGGHHH...fucking mindblowing** It may be too early to say this, but I am, for once in my life, 100% sure that this is it. This is what I was made for. I'm going to marry this man. He will be the father of my kids. We talk about it all the time.


**side note** I really, REALLY should not have taken that allergy pill. I am six kinds of fucked up.

stuck

Ok, so things have been a bit hectic and right now, at this very moment, I have time to blog.

I'm officially a full time employee. I don't know whether to be grateful or afraid. For the time being, I'll settle with relieved. I'm glad they did because otherwise the next few months would have been slightly nightmarish, as I was definitely not about to go back to PN. Fuck that place. (LOVE my PN fam, hate the douchebags that visit and I'm all out of "nice".) I'm still feeling things out. I've managed to make quite a few "work friends". I'm not going to say "friends" because my relationship with these people doesn't extend past the front door of the building. I don't talk to anyone outside of work. I don't want anyone involved in my personal life like that. **KEEP BUSINESS AND PERSONAL AFFAIRS SEPARATE.** Should I make a genuine friend through this, great, but I'm not pressing it. I couldn't care less. I like the people I fuck with at work but I also like being left the hell alone. It's hard to explain, so I'm not going to.

Also, I think I need to start drinking more water.

That's all.