Fuck shit damn

Ok so I fucked my monitor up and now I need another one. Posting from my phone. Until I get one, I'm going to be on a bit of a sabbatical.

Over it.

I don't even know right now. My fingers apparently don't, either. I can't type worth a damn today.

I don't know how anyone else feels about this heat, but I'm telling you I've had quite enough of it. I'm done with the humidity, being sweaty and gross, the bugs, the pressure to be tan... all the trappings of summer. I'm over it. Right now, we're having a nice little thunderstorm. I do love me a good storm, and they are the only thing about summer that I look forward to. I am absolutely ready for fall. Ah, yes. Cooler temperatures, red leaves, hoodies, the bugs go back to hell, and of course, HALLOWEEN!!!! And, I'll be closer to meeting our little one. My heart is set on having a Halloween baby shower. Not everyone does it, and that's part of the appeal. I'm "not a traditional gal", as his sister-in-law lovingly put it. She offered to coordinate it, and no one else had, so she's taking the helm on that one. It's much appreciated. She loves the Halloween idea. I have to get some more pins together on my baby board and send it to her. I'm so excited!! 

As far as cravings go, I've had them, but no weird ones. Mostly pizza, pickles (only Claussen. all others are garbage), baby carrots & red pepper hummus, mint chocolate chip ice cream... normal stuff. I want a lot of it though. 

I really miss my Grandma. I haven't seen her in ages and I haven't really talked to her since falling out with Mom. There's no beef between her and I, I'm just busy and I don't call her like I should. I've been keeping her updated on the baby though. My sister and I are planning to surprise her one night and stay with her. Maybe watch some horror movies with her and watch her drink beer and listen to her conspiracy theories. Crazy old bat. We love her though. 

I have overtime Sunday. God help me. 

I'm in one hell of a mood right now. I just don't want to be bothered. By anyone. 

That's it. I'm not going.

So here I am, at nearly 4:30 in the morning, on a day that I should be getting ready for work. I should be getting ready right now. The problem is, I didn't sleep AT ALL last night, and I'm about to crash and burn. The only work-related activity I'll be doing today is calling in sick. I don't really want to, but I know I'll be worthless, and I'm pregnant. My body doesn't know what the fuck to do right now, so I'll give the poor thing another day to rest. I'll hang out with Zeus today. I don't understand how I can sleep a solid night on weekends and not sleep worth a damn on nights before I work. Mind-boggling.

Can I just say that I'm really excited to find out what our little bean is??? It's only a little over 3 weeks away and I am just OVER time going so slow.

Look what time it is... time for me to call in and try to go to sleep.

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misery loves company

Do I really want to blog right now? I may as well. It's not like I have anything else to do. I was already on here toying with CSS anyway. We ate. We're full. Everything is cleaned up. Everything is done. So why not?

I'm gonna bitch for a minute. I don't believe you should put more effort into people than they put into you. I don't believe you should jump through hoops for people just because they're friends with your significant other. I've always been a person who will go out of my way or make an effort to get to know someone once, and if I don't feel like it's being reciprocated, that's it. No more. They lose my interest forever. That's all I'm going to say about it. I'm not here to whine and there's really nothing to whine about. I don't give a fuck about people I don't know in general, but I made an effort for him-because they're his friends and I love him. Now I can say I tried.

I still haven't spoken to my mother. This will be almost 6 months. She never put in much effort either. She's made no move to reconcile with me, and with every month that goes by that she doesn't, my point is proven even more so. I don't need her. I never have. She's done literally nothing for me to improve my life since the day I came squalling into this world. I'm also completely unconcerned if she ever sees my child. I couldn't possibly care less. Call me heartless, if you want, but you don't know what she's like. I didn't make the decision for her to be my mother and she didn't even want kids when she had me. I don't look for any reunion in the near future and I'm not sure if I want one.  I love her but I don't want her toxic bullshit in my life. I won't allow it. I do miss my sister, though. I still talk to her occasionally. She's having a baby girl in September and I can't wait to see her. She's tired of Mom's shit, too. They're a little closer so I don't think she'll completely cut her off like I did. All I want for the woman is to just stop being so fucking miserable and to stop trying to control everything before she loses everyone. I just want her to be happy.

I'm going to go watch a movie with my child's father, I think.

I need a nap

I'm really over whatever this Wednesday shit is. What a day. Thank God I had an appointment and I could leave early.

I had the second portion of my quad screen done today. The nurse drawing my blood said the results from the first portion were perfect. Everything looked beautiful. Go me. After I was done with that, she sent me over to the other building for a cervical exam and that was fine. I finally got home around 3. I am SPENT. They aren't kidding when they say growing a human takes a lot of energy. I'm not complaining at all, but I would like to function on a higher level from time to time. If that's not too much to ask...

Almost forgot! Got a speeding ticket yesterday. That was lots of fun. He was nice about it though, and he gave me a break. I was doing 14 mph over the speed limit. Didn't even notice. He only put me down for 5 over, so I appreciate it. He could have been a total dick about it, as most cops are. I find that if you're respectful and cooperate, they'll be nice. If you act like a cunt (which is fucking stupid considering the mountain of trouble they can drop on you), they'll treat you like one. I respect our police. I shouldn't have been speeding. Period.
*sigh*

I can't think anymore. The baby has taken over my brain. It no worky. 

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Goodbye, June...

So the countdown begins... T minus 20 days, and I'll be 32. How exciting! Not. Although I must say, I'm healthier than I've ever been, I'm mentally in a good place, and this is the year I become a mother. I'm actually really excited to see what 32 has in store for me. 31 was nice. A little rough but it wasn't horrible. I'm stronger because of it. Maybe a little meaner. I'm always going to be an asshole. There's just no way to get it out of me at this point. It's set, my friend. Like a blood stain. The baby might help calm me down. We'll see. 

Work was hellish. I made it 6 hours and bounced out. Number one, it's hot as balls. 2, Today was my day off. Soooo, I said "yeah. fuck this".  I came home and had a fantastic nap. Then I ate ribs and fries. Worth it. Tomorrow is a different story. It's my regularly scheduled day so I'll tough it out. B stole someone's lunch by accident. I wonder if she ever figured out whose...

I'm already over today.

***15 weeks today!***

So I'm at that stage in pregnancy that involves some crazy vivid dreams. OOOOOHHHH MYYY GODDD. I don't think I've ever had dreams this strange and this realistic. It's almost like I dropped acid and settled into bed for the ride. I hope I'm not talking in my sleep... that could be bad.

I hope July is better than June. Not that June sucked. It was okay. July 21st is my birthday. I'll be a whole 32 years old. Yay me, for keeping myself alive this long.

I'm not 100% sure what kind of mood I'm in right now. I'm happy...ish. Mildly aggravated with J. A little disgusted with how bad Zeus smells. He needs a bath. I have no idea whose dead body he found but I wish he wouldn't have rolled around in it. He's in his cage today until I get around to washing him. I just can't deal with it. Overall, I think I just want to be left the hell alone today. I have overtime tomorrow. A whole 12 hellish hours of it. Tomorrow is supposed to be the hottest day of the weekend and it's kicking off a whole week of temps in the 90s. I'm going to die this week. I just know it. 

This seems like a good time to stop computering and start reading. 

Here's this link they told me to post

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

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the wedding machine

We went to a wedding yesterday. A close friend of his got married. I had been dreading this for months. I'm not a big fan of weddings. Reasons are as follows:

1. It seems like every cliché thing gets done at every single one. Throw the bouquet. Take off the garter. It's mind numbing. Almost painful. Like, honestly, be original.
2. I'm not girly, therefore I don't have or wear dresses. I have a few maxi's but they're not really wedding material. One is a good pass for wedding attire and that's the one I wore. 
3. I despise large groups of people. Especially preppy "I'm better than you" people. They give me the shits.

HOWEVER! This wedding was beautiful. It wasn't cheesy at all. No bouquets were thrown, no garter slipped off any leg. It was original and cute and I loved it. The reception was held on their farm under a big, beautifully decorated tent. It felt very cozy. I liked everyone I met. Everyone was nice. There were people there that I was not interested in whatsoever but I kept my mouth shut. I just blocked them out. We sat with J's brother and sister-in-law, and a few other people from his softball team and their wives. I had a good time. J got to show me off and tell everyone we're expecting and we got some cute, ridiculous, somewhat-maternity pics taken with a cell phone. It was lovely. The food was AWESOME!! I'm a sucker for good food and let me tell you, I was not disappointed. I don't regret going.

You probably think I'm so negative. A jaded grouch-ass. You're sort of right. It depends. I like to believe that, at their core, people are inherently good. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don't go into everything thinking it will be a disaster- but I am a realist, and I am prepared. Someone will be shitty. So far, I've been right every time. This was an exception. Color me pleasantly surprised.

The next wedding we'll be attending will be that of his friends, Mike and Erica. I adore those two. They're expecting! She's 3 weeks behind me. I'm excited for them.

As for our wedding, that's going to be a long way off. We have a baby coming, and we need to save money. We also want our child to be old enough to participate in it. Old enough to follow simple directions. It'll happen someday. I'm not really worried about being shackled by a government contract. I love J to death but marriage is serious. It's scary. I'm a child of a broken home so as you can imagine, I have my doubts. Doesn't mean I don't want to do it. It just makes me nervous, that's all.

Ok, I'm done blathering.

1st trimester screening!!

This trip was for a nuchal translucency measurement, but our little one just didn't want to cooperate this morning. Not even out of the first trimester and already stubborn. Given who J and I are as parents, I'm not surprised. I am, however, intensely curious as to how we're going to survive this child. A combination of the two of us is a little dangerous. At least the kid will be adorable...

just...ugh.

This dog is getting on my last fucking nerve today. Everything is. I'm in one of "those" moods. You know what I'm talking about. Fred Durst said it best: Everything is fucked. Everybody sucks.

I had plans for two weeks to have lunch today with my friend from my last job. I haven't seen this woman for a fucking year and of course, yesterday, I get saddled with a sinus infection. Couldn't have waited another week. OH NO!! Had to be today. 😞 Whatever. Shit like this happens to me all the time. Of course, because I'm pregnant, I can't take anything for it either. Nothing good. Nothing remotely helpful.

As for the dog, he needs his nuts cut. He'll be 2 years old in November. I realize he's still very much a puppy. Do I care? No. Zero fucks are given. I have no patience for dogs that act like assholes. I love him to pieces but he needs to calm down and listen. Especially before the baby comes. Or else.

I'm going back to sleep. I can't today.

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Monday, monday...

I seriously need to find some motivation. At least that's what adult me thinks. Lazy fucker me has other ideas. Today is the last day of my 5 day weekend so I think I'm just going to look at baby stuff on Pinterest. I'm obsessed. We're really hoping it's a boy BUT I'm going to be in love either way. ((I have tons of ideas for the nursery.)) My first trimester screening is next Wednesday and I can't wait to see how much little one has grown. I LOVE seeing our baby. Speaking of "our baby", his mother keeps calling it exactly that and it drives me nuts. It's like... No. You had no involvement in the conception of this child, therefore, it is not in any way shape or form YOUR baby. It's your grandbaby. Just fucking stop it. It's weird. She's very sweet and I love her but she can be a little too immersed in what we're doing sometimes and occasionally we have to drop a "back off" on her. J agrees. He is her favorite and it's obvious but goddamn, he's 30 years old. WE are adults.

ANYWAY. 

Everyone got a $2 raise at work. Market adjustments. Trying to match other warehouses' pay. Fine by me. I'm pretty happy about it. It's going to help a lot. You know, now that I think about it, this year has REALLY been a great year. Everything is getting better and falling into place. Last year sucked a gigantic bag of dicks. Not even kidding. Glad it's over.

God, my nails need filled.

That's it.

give it to me!!

insert witty title here

Holy hell, it's June... 

...and Day 2 of my vacation. I work 4 ten hour days ((Monday through Thursday)), and yesterday was my first day off. Monday will be my last. I've got a nice 5 day weekend going. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not doing anything with anyone, except relaxing at home. I'm fucking tired. God help J if he volunteers me to go anywhere and visit anyone. I even faked taking a nap earlier so I didn't have deal with his mom visiting me for an hour. I love her to death, but I just didn't want to be bothered. I was watching my show. 

I started watching Requiem on Netflix yesterday and I'm obsessed with it now. It's only a miniseries (6 episodes), which sucks, BUT it's SOOOO GOOD!! It's creepy. I like creepy. I have no idea what I'm going to watch after I'm finished with it. Maybe I should finish one of the 17 other series I've started within the last year. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I probably won't. I'll probably start a new one. The thing is, I'll start watching something, get bored, and look for something else. I have commitment issues when it comes to shows. It has to grip me on the first episode. People say my expectations are too high. I say they're absolutely right. 

I'm 10 weeks, 6 days today. Even though I've seen our baby and heard the heartbeat, I'm still in disbelief I think. Shock. I'm going to be a mother. I'm going to influence an innocent human being. Best believe they'll be raised better than 80% of these brats growing up in Libtard America. Count on that. (If you're a Liberal, I hate your kids.) 

I'm going to go back to watching my show. 

Look what we did!

Coming December 22, 2018!! 💚 

Great f*ckin day, man

Today is a great day. For two reasons.

1) I had a blood test done and I'm definitely pregnant!!! About 6 weeks. I'm still in shock I think. Although, I'm definitely aware of the trouble brewin' in there. 😊 I'm a very happy woman right now. Understatement.

2) It's Star Wars Day.

So, little one, may the force be with you.

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a time to change

Oh wow. A whole month.

Time has a funny way of getting away from you, doesn't it?

Long story short: work got busy, we had tons of overtime, and I'm exhausted. I took an approved personal day today and guaranteed myself a four day weekend. I needed it.

I've simply been floating around lately. Going with the flow of things. I've been working on being more mindful. Thinking about what I say before I say it, and thinking about what I say in general. I've been paying more attention to what's going on around me and how I present myself to other people. (Not because I care in THAT way what other people think of me. If you don't like me, then you don't. That's up to you.) I am being more mindful how I carry myself, how I speak, how I treat people. I'm focusing more on not only being a better woman, but also a better human in general. I'm learning to pick my battles. I still have a long way to go. J and I are hoping to have children as soon as possible so what better time than now to make sure they have a positive influence? We won't let them grow up wondering if they're good enough like we did. We won't let them have the broken childhood that we did. We want them to be decent people and that starts with who we are. We're trying our best. Neither of us are perfect and we are QUITE aware of that.

"Here's some more snow, because fuck you" - Mother Nature

Ok, so apparently yesterday was the first day of Spring, right? So how come the sky took a frosty white shit on us for 24+ hours? (It's STILL fucking snowing) We've had enough.  I hate winter. No... I LOATHE it. So much.

I called off work today. Again. Second Wednesday in a row. (Not planned. I swear. I had no idea it was going to snow this week when I called off last Wednesday.) I kinda wish I'd gone but I'm also glad I didn't. It's complicated. I will NOT be calling off again for a long time. Not even if there's a fire.

The shit hole that J works for announced yesterday they would be closed today for inclement weather so we're having a snow day. It's already after 6:37 and frankly I'm a little sad. I want to go back to work tomorrow but I'm not quite done being lazy. I feel gypped.

My friend B that I work with told me Monday that she'd met one of the dump creatures that my step-mother spawned and immediately noticed the obvious trash that she is. It isn't difficult to see... How many kids does she have? 3. To how many different men? Also 3. Yes. Very charming. Something about an apple and a tree comes to mind... *coughSLUTcough*

I'm interested to see how long it will take them to lose absolutely everything now that Grandma's pension isn't paying for that giant dump they all live on. I'm on the edge of my seat.
Oh, the anticipation!! I'm so excited. 😈

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16 Luscious Italian Words And Phrases You Need In Your Life

Because everything sounds better in Italian.

Go on, click the link. Educate yourself.

Thank God it's Thursday

Today was my Friday. (I work 4 10s. I dig it.) I played hooky yesterday and even though I felt like a steaming pile of dog shit, I still felt guilty for calling off.  »I don't know why, either.« 
I woke up like I normally do, felt fine, got to moving around, and then my angina kicked in and said NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER!! So I called in and went back to bed. It was bad. All day. I feel a little better today, but not a whole lot. I could do without this damned zit on my lip though. That can leave anytime.

As far as tomorrow, I think a little me therapy is in order...get my nails filled, get some good foooooooddd... yessss...

A little more, indeed

God help me

I'm in one hell of a funk today. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. Not really sure how to describe it.  Just... blah. Nothing happened. I just get this way sometimes. It happens less when it's warm outside.

Is it weird to look forward to going back to work tomorrow?

I need a drink.

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Today's word is brought to you by the people in my "family"

March, please be good to me

It's March!! 

It's still cold, but we're getting closer to Spring, and that makes me very happy. As I've mentioned before, I dislike Winter quite a lot. 

February was a little rough. 

Hell, it's been rough for a year.  (2017 in general was just absolute shit) 

Things have started to improve since my move to a new job. I'm happier, which means I'm not being a miserable fuck all the time. I'm not as angry. Plus I'm making more money and I'm starting to catch up on things I've been slacking on. I'm also super excited that I can buy more books. 

J and I are happier as well. We've not been together all that long. This relationship is relatively young. The first year is all about getting to know each other on a deeper level and working out the kinks so that it works in your favor. Finding hot buttons and not pushing them again. I like to think we've pretty much got things ironed out in that regard. Thank God, because it got a little hairy for a minute. We know we want this to be forever so we're gonna do what we gotta to make sure it IS forever. 

I'm anxious to see what this month brings. Wish me luck. 

whatever

February 2018 is done. Over.

Other than officially landing a decent job that I enjoy and completely changing my hair, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. Another month of my life has passed and I'm still basically in the same place in life. I'm not depressed about it, but I'm not super impressed with myself either. I could be doing so much more with my time and I just don't.

I blame winter. I always slip into a funk right around Thanksgiving and I don't come out of it until about April..ish. I hate winter. With the white hot passion of a thousand blistering suns. I hate snow. I hate freezing rain. I hate cold wind. I hate getting in my car and being miserable until it warms up. I just want it to be warm. I love fall. Love it. NOT particularly fond of what follows. BUT! All of this is almost over. Why, in just a couple of weeks, Daylight Savings Time begins. One less hour of sleep but it means we're definitely wiggling out of the tight grip of Jack Frost.

However, I am not excited about sweating my tits off in a hot warehouse all summer. I AM glad that I am not in the same place I was at this time last year. FUCK that place. With something hard and sandpapery.

I really hope March is a good month. Not just for me, but for J as well. For Zeus. For us.

i'm gonna cut my hair...

...well, I'm not going to do it myself. Not making that mistake twice. The last time I did that, it ended up FUBAR and I rocked a pixie that I didn't want for about a year.  No, this time, I'm going to leave it up to the professionals. I want a bob... of the asymmetrical variety. It's pretty long now, reaching the middle of my back. It'll be a huge change. I think I'm ready. I definitely know that it's way too thick and I'm tired of dealing with it. I need something easy. I realize that short hair also has to be styled or it looks like shit, but it's worth it. I don't want to be sweating my ass off in a warehouse all summer with a thick, hot mess of hair on my head. I'm gonna do it.  something like this...

                                     

                  ...but, a little shorter in the back. I can't fucking wait to get rid of this hive.

Lord Jesus, I'm tryin'

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Should I be more excited about Valentine's Day?

I mean, I'm not against it, but I'm not gung ho about it either. I think it's because in the years before I met J, I was with guys who just didn't give a fuck about Valentine's Day either. Plus I've never really been lovey dovey in my entire life. I'm not terribly girly. Just girly enough to appreciate the sweet little things that J does for me ALL the time. He doesn't save the romance for just one day.  He makes me smile and treats me like gold every.single.day. That being said, he did get me a beautiful card and a bag of Reese's eggs, because he knows I go crazy for Reese's eggs. I don't need jewelry or anything flashy just because it's February 14th. BFD. I don't even really wear jewelry save for a few rings that I like and maybe one necklace. I'm just not into it.  

My point is, Valentine's Day is a marketing scheme. It's a nice thought, but like I stated, you shouldn't need a holiday to do sweet shit for the person you love, and it isn't about money or fancy gifts. It's the person you're with and the thought they put into things not just that day, but everyday. Sure, they can buy you stuff, but if they're just buying it to say they bought it, it's worthless. My Reese's eggs may not mean a whole lot to some other girl and there are some ungrateful bitches that would flip shit if their man bought them a bag of candy and nothing else. They don't deserve nice guys anyway...  *unwraps another egg*

Great fuckin day, man

I'm OFFICIALLY an employee of Ulta Beauty. Orientation was today. Fuckin' A. I'm so glad I took the leap to leave my old job. I was so afraid of what would happen next, but my GOD, what a great decision it turned out to be. Could not be happier with my work family. They're the fuckin best. Seriously.

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Dammit, Phil

6 more fucking weeks of winter. That's just... wonderful. 😡

Happy Birthday, Grandma

The 28th already... If I'm not mistaken, today is my late grandmother's birthday. She would have been 99 years old. She could be meaner than a junkyard dog, but she had a good heart and she was tough as nails. That woman taught me so much. I regret that I didn't appreciate the time I had with her more. I miss her a lot. Her mind left before her soul did, and her body had let her down years before.  She's free now. She's home.

I ♡ you, Grandma

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When I die,

mix my ashes with ink,

and write 

of how I loved him...

I can't think of a title.

There is no worse pain than a pain in your head...

...ok, there probably is, but I can't think of any right now. I can't think about anything but this throbbing tooth. It's abscessed. My filling came out, and something got in there and now my tooth is pissed. Why do things have to happen to my face? It can't be anything else? I have to have a lump on my FACE??

J and I came to the mutual agreement that we really need to work on our communication and understanding each other. So far so good, though. I mean, we don't really have any issues. Everyone who's known him tells him they see the change in him. He's happy. That's what happens when you have a good woman. Not tooting my own horn or anything... (I totally am.)

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I'm a lone wolf, baby

Last night, I had an actual phone conversation with MM for the first time in...months, probably.  I've missed her. She's my best friend and I don't talk to her nearly as much as I should. She called me out for being distant. It really made me think. She was right. I have been distant. I tend to forget that there are other people who give a shit besides J, and between keeping this house running and work (pretty much just the daily grind in general), I don't give any thought to much else. I get lost. It doesn't mean I don't care. That's always been me, though. There will be times when I get so absorbed in my internal world and MY problems, MY stuff, that I forget that there are people who need me. I forget that there are people who miss me. I can go weeks or months without talking to anyone and be fine. That doesn't mean it's right. People who haven't known me since birth don't realize that I was conditioned as a child to operate this particular way. I was taught to be self sufficient. I really don't NEED anyone. I still love. Just not the way everyone else does. There are a lot of things that I find trivial. For instance, I don't understand the concept of going to a viewing, and looking at the lifeless, embalmed body of someone "just to be there for support for others". I think it's stupid. A funeral is different. I get funerals. There is a purpose to a funeral. So I guess that's what I'm getting at. If I don't see a point in something, I'm not doing it. Just let me be. Honestly.

spin city

So I've been getting dizzy. Not every day, but about once every two weeks since Thanksgiving day, which is when this started. It's always the same: A swimmy, had a few drinks feeling, followed by the spins. I lie down for a while, and when I sit up, I immediately vomit. I lie back down, fall asleep for a bit, and then I'm pretty much good afterwards. Until the next episode, anyway. It's becoming more frequent. I should probably go to the doctor (and I totally would if I didn't hate them SO much). They'll tell you anything to shake that money out of your insurance company. I don't think I'm pregnant... but I'm not 100% sure that I'm not.  I should probably keep track of this shit.

done

It is 15ﹾ outside. I have my coffee, I'm wearing my comfiest pjs, and I'm warm. Stressed out, but happy.

Work is great, albeit a little slow. I like working there a lot, actually. I like the people I work with. The management seems a bit shifty but that's everywhere. I think I'm finally home. **(I said that about my last job but that place was a nightmare. Hopefully I'm right this time.)**

There is no bun in the oven yet, sadly. Still not the right time APPARENTLY, but we're staying positive.

I'm seriously at my limit with bs. I don't get how you can try to make yourself available to people and do so much for them, yet when you stand up for yourself and do what's best for you, you're a horrible person. That's all I'm going to say about it. At this point, I'm just done.

2018