Last night, I had an actual phone conversation with MM for the first time in...months, probably. I've missed her. She's my best friend and I don't talk to her nearly as much as I should. She called me out for being distant. It really made me think. She was right. I have been distant. I tend to forget that there are other people who give a shit besides J, and between keeping this house running and work (pretty much just the daily grind in general), I don't give any thought to much else. I get lost. It doesn't mean I don't care. That's always been me, though. There will be times when I get so absorbed in my internal world and MY problems, MY stuff, that I forget that there are people who need me. I forget that there are people who miss me. I can go weeks or months without talking to anyone and be fine. That doesn't mean it's right. People who haven't known me since birth don't realize that I was conditioned as a child to operate this particular way. I was taught to be self sufficient. I really don't NEED anyone. I still love. Just not the way everyone else does. There are a lot of things that I find trivial. For instance, I don't understand the concept of going to a viewing, and looking at the lifeless, embalmed body of someone "just to be there for support for others". I think it's stupid. A funeral is different. I get funerals. There is a purpose to a funeral. So I guess that's what I'm getting at. If I don't see a point in something, I'm not doing it. Just let me be. Honestly.
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